The Parental Guide to Getting Your Own Way: How to House-Train the Overlords
Yo. So you read that official report about running the country? It’s basically a cheat sheet. Forget what they teach in school; real power is about making your "bosses" (a.k.a. Mum and Dad) think they’re in charge while they do exactly what you want.
If you’re still wasting time arguing about phone rules or curfew, you’ve been "house-trained". Time to turn the tables. The goal is to get your parent so aligned with your needs that they’ve effectively "gone native"—they say "Yes" automatically.
Here’s the 12-step plan, straight from the inner circle:
1. Bury the Boss in Data
When they get home tired, hit them with a mountain of non-urgent info. Make sure they are "constantly overwhelmed" with legitimate but pointless material—like needing help with their tax forms, or long descriptions of your school's optional elective choices. This minimizes the brain space available for actually worrying about your social life. Hacker "swallowed the whole diary in one gulp and apparently did his boxes like a lamb".
2. Co-opt Initial Strategy
If they suggest a new rule—like "You must be more responsible!"—agree immediately. But demand control over the method. Present a complex, detailed schedule on how you plan to be responsible. This creates the illusion of "astounding efficiency" and ensures that the execution of the new plan is instantly framed within your existing routines, preventing them from seeking truly radical alternative solutions.
3. The Calendar Cage
Keep your parents out of your life by keeping them busy doing other boring stuff. Encourage them to take up time-consuming hobbies, organize that pointless family trip, or focus on massive administrative projects. Your job is to "create activity" so they never have "free time" to scrutinize you. The Minister’s absence is desirable as it enables the permanent staff to do the job properly.
4. The Delay Doctrine
When they try to force you into a chore (like cleaning your room), stall. Agree it's important, but argue endlessly over whether this is the "right way to achieve it" or "not really the time, for all sorts of reasons". These delaying tactics were clearly defined by Tom Sargent, Hacker’s predecessor.
5. Committee Burial
If a serious disciplinary discussion starts, suggest involving everyone in a big "family meeting". This is the ultimate stalling weapon. Drag the discussion down with contradictory input from your annoying sibling (the equivalent of conflicting interests from other Ministries), guaranteeing that the initiative will be "strangled slowly" under layers of consultation.
6. Information Control
Implement the "need to know" principle. Your parent should not know "some things it is better for a Minister not to know". This prevents the boss from acquiring information that could be used against them by outsiders. If confronted, employ the "Courageous Silence"—implying you would vindicate yourself completely if only you were free to tell all.
7. Mandarin Language Shield
Never use plain English if complex jargon works better. If you messed up a test, refer to it as "an assessment exhibiting atypical performance metrics" or note that a simple setback is "not a significant loss of amenity". Sir Humphrey has an "extraordinary genius for wrapping up a simple idea to make it sound extremely complicated".
8. Strategic Flattery
If you need something, use calculated compliments. Tell them they have "enviable intellectual suppleness" or praise their wisdom. They are more likely to agree if they feel you believe they are "an excellent Minister". You should then "brush all the flannel aside" and move to your demand.
9. The Information Swamp
If they demand direct access to all information (like asking for constant updates on your life), give them exactly what they asked for—but make it useless. Swamp them with irrelevant files, technical reports, feasibility studies, and old receipts (junk). This makes them realize they have given you "an open invitation to swamp you with useless information".
10. The Crisis Rescue
Wait for a family disaster or scandal (preferably one the parent caused through quick decisions). Then, step in with a prepared solution to secure their survival. For example, if they face public embarrassment, suggest a counter-move that allows them to announce they have "axed eight hundred jobs" or solved a crisis immediately. The price is always the executive's unconditional agreement to administrative priorities—an "inevitable quid pro quo".
11. The Victory Lap
When you finally get your permission (e.g., to go out late or buy something), let your parents claim the idea was theirs all along and that they are "really in charge of everything". Allow them to take the "credit". The Minister must be allowed to state that the difficult move was "a tough decision but a necessary one".
12. Grind Them Down
If they try to say 'No,' make the effort required to veto your idea far more exhausting than simply conceding. Humphrey knew that delay tactics, sometimes mistaken for "lethargy for strategy", work because the superior usually has too much else to do to chase every detail. Persistence pays off; Hacker even resorted to waking up Sir Humphrey at 2 a.m. to force action.
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