Prison Queues: These Days, Even Doing Time Means Waiting in Line?

 

Prison Queues: These Days, Even Doing Time Means Waiting in Line?

(Visual: Andy Rooney sitting behind his familiar desk. On the desk is a newspaper, the headline seemingly about overcrowded prisons. He picks up the newspaper, shaking his head.)

You ever notice how everything these days, you gotta wait in line for it? You wait in line to see a doctor. You wait in line to apply for a house. Even at the amusement park, to ride a roller coaster, you gotta wait in line.

Now, I see in the paper, our prisons are full. American prisons are full, British prisons are full. So full, they don't even know where to put these folks who've broken the law.

That gave me an idea. Since everything else has a line, why not make the criminals wait in line too?

Look, we've got social housing, you apply for it, you gotta wait a few years before you can move in. We've got the National Health Service (NHS), you want to see a specialist, you might wait months, even a year. So why can't prisons be like that?

Imagine, a thief, or a con artist. He commits a crime, gets caught. The judge sentences him to five years in prison. And then what? The police say, "Sorry, prison's full. You'll have to take a number."

(He picks up a small toy figure, places it on the desk, then puts a few more behind it, forming a line.)

So, this thief, he's gotta get a ticket, then go stand in line outside the prison. Rain or shine, wind or snow, he just stands there, waiting.

"You're number 1? Alright, you've got 2,000 people ahead of you. Don't worry, might only be two or three years."

And then he just waits. And waits. He might even get old waiting. And when it's finally his turn, the prison doors open, and the guard says, "Congratulations, it's your turn! Your sentence is five years, come on in!"

And he goes in, and maybe five years later, he comes out, and the whole world's changed. He might even forget why he was waiting in line in the first place.

Or even better. He gets sentenced to five years, but he waits in line for four and a half years. When he finally gets in, the guard says, "Oh, sorry, you've only got six months left on your sentence. We've got a five-week short course here, would you like to consider that?"

Isn't that ridiculous?

But if you think about it, it's kind of "fair," isn't it? Everybody else is waiting in line, so why shouldn't criminals?

And, there's even a "benefit" to it. These criminals, while they're waiting in line outside, maybe they'll do some reflecting. They'll think, "Geez, I commit a crime, and even going to jail is this much trouble. Maybe I just won't commit one next time, save myself the queue."

Or, they might find that waiting in line is harder than actually being in jail. Standing there every day, nothing to do, and constantly worrying about someone cutting in line. That might be more educational than actual time behind bars.

Of course, this is just my wild idea. But you have to admit, these days, everything's got a line. Even "freedom" has a line. So why shouldn't "unfreedom" have one too?

(He picks up the newspaper, shakes his head again, and places it back on the desk.)

And that's the way it is.