奉 鈞諭，卑職已審閱所呈文件

大不列顛及北愛爾蘭聯合王國唐寧街十號首相府 鈞鑒

大英首相 爵士 祁夏·史達瑪 閣下 勛鑒

發文者：文官部 常務次長 爵士 漢弗萊·阿普比 閣下，嘉德勳章、皇家維多利亞勳章、牛津大學文學碩士

事由：關於現代企業理念之報告：文官體系之觀點

鈞座：

奉 鈞諭，卑職已審閱所呈文件，其所述乃一公司合乎…此位澀澤榮一先生之理念之特徵。觀其所述，似頗具理想主義色彩，甚或可謂烏托邦式之企業行爲願景。恕卑職直言，此等見解，或更適於研討之室，而非決策之堂。

容卑職略析此等「特徵」：

「超越利潤之明確宗旨」：此情可嘉，然 鈞座，實務上則多有窒礙。雖吾等皆認同「積極貢獻社會」乃美事，然何謂「積極」，恕卑職直言，實乃見仁見智，且往往受制於政治之權宜。況乎將利潤置於「手段」而非「目的」之位，在卑職深思熟慮之下，此猶如謂汽車之引擎次於其漆飾。或有其必要，然絕非首要之務。

「堅固之道德治理」：透明、問責、及合乎倫理之行爲，固當鼓勵。然 鈞座須明，過度之透明或將損及決策之效率。知者愈少，反對者亦寡。至於問責，則往往引發調查，而調查之事，於順暢之施政，鮮有裨益。倫理行爲，固然重要，然亦不應妨礙吾等…之運籌帷幄。

「利害關係者導向」：此乃危險之概念，鈞座。考量所有利害關係者之利益？此聽來甚似責任之稀釋。股東者，乃公司之所有者，其利益理應居於首位。至於他人？彼輩自可遊說，非乎？

「投資於人民與社會」：慈善與環境保護，固然值得稱讚。然 鈞座須記，此等行爲，究其本質，乃公關之舉。其投資之目的，在於改善公司形象，而此反過來則有益於股東。切莫將利他主義誤認為精明之市場行銷。

「長遠之願景」：長遠之願景，固然可欲。然於政治領域，乃至企業界，往往須以短期之利益為先。畢竟，若不能親見其實現，長遠之願景又有何意義？凡事須務實，鈞座。凡事須…策略性之短視。

「以道德為指針之持續改進」：「道德之指針」？卑職以為，一具可隨市場變幻莫測之潮流而調整之靈活指針，方為更有價值之工具。倫理之考量固然重要，然亦不應阻礙吾等對…策略優勢之追求。

綜上所述，鈞座，此等理念於理論上或可稱善，然其實際應用，恕卑職直言，則充滿潛在之隱憂。現代商業之現實，需要某種…彈性，某種妥協之意願，以及某種…務實之態度。切莫為理想主義之說所動搖，以免損及吾等在全球市場之有效競爭能力。

伏祈 鈞座鑒察。

卑職 漢弗萊·阿普比 敬上

歲次庚午

可委之事尚多矣…甚或國政亦可乎

 繼遣囚徒之外，可委之事尚多矣…甚或國政亦可乎

吾方坐此，細思委外之策。遣囚於印度，可省巨萬，誠美事也。然何止於此乎？尚有何事，耗我帑藏若斯乎？

觀彼國民保健署（NHS），恆苦於資財不足，人手短缺，萬事皆然。或可將其簡易之術，委諸外邦。白內障之治？髖骨之替？送往暹羅可也！彼地海灘秀麗，醫者良善，其費或不及倫敦病院一杯之茶耳。可謂「醫旅」而享國保之惠也。

繼而…哦，吾不知也…街道之清掃！似乎清道之人，恆嫌不足，街衢常有穢塵。何不聘愛沙尼亞之私營公司，以潔我街巷？聞其善於此事，且未必索取巨額加班之費。

然最大之節省…最大之節省，或可來自委外…國之政事。

然也，君未聽錯。委外首相及其內閣諸臣。

吾非謂彼輩皆惡人，或有少數然也。然其耗費甚鉅，俸祿、僚屬、官車、華屋…總計之數，可謂驚人！

何不聘瑞士之顧問公司，以理我邦之政？彼輩善於理財，秉持中立，且或有與難纏之人周旋之經驗。吾等可付其定額之資，彼輩則須平衡預算，使列車準時運行，並力避戰禍。若其不濟，則解聘之，另聘他家，此乃生意爾。

且思其益處！無有政客之巧言令色，無有國會之荒謬辯論，唯有效率之瑞士式治理。或稍嫌枯燥，然枯燥勝於破產也。

固然，或有反對之聲。「安迪」，彼輩將曰，「此非民主也！」非民主？一干政客終日爭執，毫無建樹，此何民主之有？至少瑞士之顧問公司，可成其事。

吾非謂盡委諸外，尚須國王或女王，以供揮手致意，儀態莊嚴，此乃傳統之所繫也。或可留少數傀儡政客，以充場面。

觀之，吾不過拋磚引玉耳。諸位須跳脫窠臼而思。國庫空虛，列車延誤，政客又在爭論脫歐之事。或宜另試他途。

或宜讓瑞士人掌舵，吾等何損之有？不過再失幾鎊耳。

More Things We Can Outsource, Besides Prisoners... and Maybe the Government Too

More Things We Can Outsource, Besides Prisoners... and Maybe the Government Too

So, I was sitting here, thinking about this whole outsourcing idea. We're sending prisoners to India, saving a fortune. It's a beautiful thing, really. But why stop there? What else is costing us a small fortune?

Well, there's the National Health Service (NHS). Always needing more money, more staff, more everything. Maybe we could outsource some of the simpler procedures. Cataract surgery? Hip replacements? Send 'em off to Thailand! Beautiful beaches, good doctors, probably cheaper than a cup of tea in a London hospital. Think of it as "medical tourism" with a national health discount.

Then there's... oh, I don't know... street cleaning! Seems like we never have enough street sweepers. The streets are always dirty. Why not hire a private company from, say, Estonia, to keep our streets clean? They're good at that sort of thing, apparently. And they probably don't expect a fortune in overtime.

But the biggest savings… the biggest savings could come from outsourcing… the government.

Yes, you heard me right. Outsource the Prime Minister and his Cabinet.

Now, I’m not saying they’re bad people. Well, maybe a few of them are. But they're expensive people. The salaries, the staff, the official cars, the fancy buildings... it adds up!

Why not hire a consulting firm from, say, Switzerland, to run the country? They're good at managing money, neutral, and probably have experience dealing with difficult people. We could pay them a flat fee, and they'd have to balance the budget, keep the trains running on time, and try not to start any wars. If they fail, we just fire them and hire another firm. It's just business, right?

And think of the perks! No more political spin! No more ridiculous debates in Parliament! Just efficient, Swiss-style governance. Maybe a little boring, but boring is better than broke.

Of course, there would be some opposition. "But Andy," they'd say, "it's undemocratic!" Undemocratic? What's so democratic about a bunch of politicians arguing all day and accomplishing nothing? At least a Swiss consulting firm would get the job done.

And I'm not saying we'd outsource everything. We'd still need a King or Queen. Someone to wave and look regal. That's important for tradition. And maybe a few token politicians, just for show.

Look, I’m just throwing ideas out there. We need to think outside the box, folks. The country's broke, the trains are delayed, and the politicians are arguing about Brexit again. Maybe it's time to try something different.

Maybe it's time to let the Swiss run the show. What do we have to lose? Besides a few more pounds.

獄滿帑虛，略陳一策

 獄滿帑虛，略陳一策

夫今之世，百物騰貴，麫餅、牛乳、汽油皆然，而囹圄之費，尤甚於斯！英倫一囚之供，歲逾五萬鎊，此殆過庶人之年俸矣！吾儕幾近以五星之館舍奉之，獨缺酒品耳。

鄙人雖非慈心泛濫之輩，然犯法則當受罰，此理之常也。然受罰未必傾國帑而後可。

環顧宇內，豈非寰球一體乎？凡事皆可委外，呼叫中心設於印度，工廠造作移於中華。吾乃思之：何不亦以外國之獄舍，代我囚徒乎？

請君細聽。印度有獄，其數必繁。且彼地之役，價廉於我邦。若以歲萬鎊之資，託彼邦之獄以居我囚，則每囚歲省四萬鎊矣！

吾非謂盡遣諸囚，乃指長刑之徒，十年以上者是也。載以飛機，令其十年之間，體驗異域之囹圄生涯，亦可謂之「異國」之趣也。然不得假釋，登機而去，期滿而返，此約當守。

夫如是，其利豈不甚大乎？

一則，英倫百姓，帑藏大省，每囚歲省四萬鎊，可購茶餅甚夥。

二則，我邦獄舍，擁擠得紓，可容稍輕之罪犯。

三則，囚徒亦得廣其見聞，可謂鐵窗之下的文化交流也。

或有人疑曰：「安迪，人權何在？」人權？彼輩乃罪人也！其所犯者，乃被害人之人權也！且吾等必令印度之獄，略符常規，衣食無憂，棲身有處。或可習得瑜伽之術，亦未可知。

夫事無十全，此策亦然。然此乃一策也。吾等徒耗巨資於獄舍，今宜另闢蹊徑，縱或稍顯怪誕，亦未嘗不可。凡事皆可委外，罪囚何獨不然？此事亦可謂一樁生意也。

此乃鄙人一得之見，然總須有人思此等事，而此人往往乃鄙人也。今請恕鄙人先行一步，吾將往視洗衣機之修繕事宜。或購置新機更為省費，此豈非進步乎？

Overcrowded Prisons, Overcrowded Wallets: A Modest Proposal

Overcrowded Prisons, Overcrowded Wallets: A Modest Proposal

You ever feel like everything’s costing more these days? Bread, milk, gasoline… and prisoners! Did you know it costs over 50,000 pounds a year to keep one person locked up in Britain? That's more than most people earn in a year! We’re practically giving these guys a free five-star hotel, minus the minibar.

Now, I’m no bleeding heart. If you do the crime, you do the time. But doing the time doesn’t have to mean bankrupting the country.

We live in a global economy, don’t we? We outsource everything else. Our call centers are in India, our manufacturing is in China. So, I got to thinking: why not outsource our prisons?

Hear me out. India has prisons, right? Plenty of them, I suspect. And labor is… cheaper there. What if we paid an Indian prison 10,000 pounds a year to house a British prisoner? We’d be saving 40,000 pounds per prisoner every year!

I'm not suggesting we send everyone. We're talking about the long-termers. Guys with 10 years or more. Put 'em on a plane, let 'em spend a decade experiencing an "exotic" prison life, as they say. No parole, of course. You get on the plane, you serve your time, you get on the plane back.

Think about the benefits!

• Massive savings for British taxpayers. 40,000 pounds saved per prisoner, every year. That’s a lot of tea and biscuits.

• Reduced overcrowding in British prisons. Space for the… well, the slightly less hardened criminals.

• A chance for prisoners to… broaden their horizons. Think of it as a cultural exchange program, with barbed wire.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "But Andy, what about human rights?" Human rights? These are criminals! They violated the human rights of their victims! Besides, we’d make sure the Indian prisons meet… some standards. Decent food. A roof over their heads. And hey, maybe they’ll learn some yoga.

Look, it's not a perfect solution. Nothing ever is. But it's a solution. We’re throwing money away on these prisons, and frankly, it’s time to get creative. Maybe a little crazy, even. We outsource everything else, why not crime? It is business after all.

It’s just a thought. But somebody has to think these things. And usually, that somebody is me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go see if I can get my washing machine repaired. Probably cheaper to buy a new one. That's progress, isn't it?

Lewis Green, a 22-year-old British tourist, suffered severe abuse and wrongful imprisonment in Thailand. He alleges he was drugged, beaten, starved, and forced to drink his own urine in a Thai jail cell. His ordeal began after a dispute at a cannabis dispensary in Hua Hin, leading to accusations of car theft, which he denies. He claims he was forced to pay £7,000 for his release, along with additional fines and compensation. He sustained physical injuries, including broken ribs and a wrist, and experienced mental trauma requiring psychiatric evaluation. His family mobilized to secure his release, and they are now raising awareness about tourist safety in Thailand, highlighting the risks of drink and vape spiking.  https://aseannow.com/topic/1355319-british-tourists-thai-jail-ordeal-forced-to-drink-urine-for-survival/ 

Report on Modern Corporate Ideals: A Civil Service Perspective

 To: The Rt. Hon. Sir Keir Starmer, KCB, KC, MP, Prime Minister

From: Sir Humphrey Appleby, GCB, MVO, MA (Oxon)

Subject: Report on Modern Corporate Ideals: A Civil Service Perspective

Prime Minister,

I have, as instructed, reviewed the provided document outlining the characteristics of a company aligning with the ideals of this... Shibusawa Eiichi 渋沢 栄一. It appears to be a somewhat idealistic, perhaps even utopian, vision of corporate behaviour. One might even venture to say, without undue cynicism, that it is a view more suited to a seminar room than a boardroom.

Let us examine these "characteristics," shall we?

• "A Clearly Defined Purpose Beyond Profit": A laudable sentiment, Prime Minister, but one fraught with practical difficulties. While we can all agree that contributing "positively to society" is desirable, the definition of "positive" is, shall we say, subject to interpretation, and often, political expediency. Furthermore, relegating profit to a mere "means" rather than an "end" is, in my considered opinion, akin to suggesting that the engine of a motor car is secondary to the paint job. Necessary, perhaps, but certainly not the primary objective.

• "Strong Ethical Governance": Transparency, accountability, and ethical conduct are, of course, to be encouraged. However, one must remember that excessive transparency can be detrimental to efficient decision-making. The less people know, the less they can object. And accountability, well, that often leads to inquiries, and inquiries, Prime Minister, are rarely conducive to smooth governance. Ethical conduct, naturally, is vital, provided it doesn't impede our ability to... maneuver.

• "Stakeholder Orientation": A dangerous notion, Prime Minister. Considering the interests of all stakeholders? This sounds suspiciously like a dilution of responsibility. The shareholders, after all, are the ones who own the company, and it is their interests that should, quite rightly, take precedence. The others? Well, they can always lobby, can't they?

• "Investment in People and Society": Philanthropy and environmental stewardship are undoubtedly commendable. However, one must bear in mind that these activities are, at their core, exercises in public relations. They are investments designed to improve the company's image, which, in turn, benefits the shareholders. Let us not mistake altruism for astute marketing.

• "Long-Term Vision": Long-term vision is, of course, desirable. However, in the political sphere, and indeed in the corporate world, one must often prioritize short-term gains. After all, what is the point of a long-term vision if you are not around to see it realized? One must be pragmatic, Prime Minister. One must be... strategically short-sighted.

• "Continuous Improvement with a Moral Compass": A "moral compass," you say? I would suggest that a flexible compass, one that can be adjusted to navigate the ever-changing currents of the market, is a far more valuable tool. Ethical considerations are important, but they should not be allowed to obstruct the pursuit of... strategic advantage.

In conclusion, Prime Minister, while these ideals may be admirable in theory, their practical application is, shall we say, fraught with potential pitfalls. The realities of modern business demand a certain... flexibility, a certain willingness to compromise, and a certain... degree of pragmatism. Let us not be swayed by idealistic notions that might undermine our ability to compete effectively in the global marketplace.

I trust this is helpful, Prime Minister.

Yours in Service,

Sir Humphrey Appleby.