On the Ever-Expanding Shopping List of Employers
You know, I was looking at one of these job postings the other day. Now, I'm not saying it's bad to want good people, but what in the name of common sense are these folks asking for? It's like they're trying to invent a new species of human, one that's part brain surgeon, part saint, and part mind reader.
They want someone with "3-5 years Procurement / Purchasing experience with an impressive track record of accomplishments and continuous improvements." What's an "impressive track record"? Is that like winning a gold medal in buying paperclips? And "continuous improvements"? Does that mean if I started out buying a pen for 50 cents, by the end of the week I should be getting it for a nickel, and then eventually they pay meto take the pen? It's nonsensical.
And then they say, "Food / Food Ingredients industry experience in China is preferred with experience in direct / soft commodity procurement most preferred." So, not only do you have to be good at buying things, you have to be good at buying food in China, and not just any food, but "direct / soft commodities." What if I'm really good at buying, say, car parts in Cleveland? Does that count for nothing? It's like they're trying to find a unicorn that also happens to speak fluent Mandarin and knows the price of soybeans.
They want a "Minimum Bachelor’s degree required." Fair enough, I suppose. But then they pile on, "Excellent interpersonal communication, relationship management and exceptional influencing and stakeholder management skills to be able work across all levels within an organisation." So, you have to be able to schmooze the CEO, charm the janitor, and sweet-talk the accounts payable department, all while juggling flaming chainsaws. And "exceptional influencing"? Are we hiring a negotiator or a hypnotist?
"Results focused, service delivery mind-set and pragmatic approach." And a "change agent - energised by making a difference and comfortable dealing with ambiguity." So, you need to be a go-getter, but also a Zen master who's perfectly fine with not knowing what's going to happen next. How does that even work? Most people I know who are "results focused" like a clear path, not a fog bank.
And my favorite: "Commercial nous and natural focus on ROI, project and budget management and control." Followed by, "Politically astute, assertive, resilient and robust – with the proven ability to positively challenge." So, you need to be a sharp business person who understands money, but also a cage fighter who can "positively challenge." What's a "positive challenge"? Is that like, "Sir, with all due respect, your idea is terrible, and I will now make sure it never sees the light of day, but in a really nice way"? It sounds like they want someone who can be a bull in a china shop, but also clean up all the broken pieces without a single shard out of place.
"Strong talent management capability – proven experience in managing and leading a high-performance team." So, on top of all this, you also have to be a great boss. You're supposed to be buying things, changing the world, charming everyone, and now you're a human resources expert too?
It's this ridiculous laundry list. They're trying to add up all the positives, like it's a simple arithmetic problem: "If we combine 'assertive' with 'ambiguity' and 'China' with 'ROI,' we'll get the perfect employee!" Business, real business, isn't about adding up a wish list. It's about people, and compromises, and sometimes, just plain muddling through. It's a complex system, not some math equation where you can just add up all the virtues and get a superhero. Good luck finding that person. They'll probably be too busy running their own country.